to person one: are you happy?
to person two: life is really not that bad.
to person three: please just leave me the heck alone.
to person four: i’m sorry.
to person five: you’re a mystery.
it wasn’t very kind of me to write that last post.
really, i am happy for you. it was just… really… shocking to read that line.
i wish we could hang out again sometime.
but i understand if you still don’t want to.
best wishes,
- jen
…which you’re probably not…
that was like a bath in icy water. and a slap in the face.
you have every right to be happy right now.
and i’m not going to call you and tell you this and ruin your happiness.
i’ll just leave you alone.
goodbye?
my dear friend,
tears are running down my face and falling onto my pillow as i write this. i wish you were here beside me so i could speak to you in person.
i love you so much.
i feel the same i did when i met you. when we started dating. when you broke up with me. you have done and said things that were hurtful, unkind or just brutally honest, but i still miss you. i still love you.
you don’t know this yet but the other day i called you to pour out my heart and basically beg for another chance. thank heaven you didn’t answer your phone– i got your voicemail but i just hung up. better not speak at all than humiliate myself right? besides, if by chance you did want to get back together, would you only IF and only BECAUSE i said i loved you? isn’t that a bit fickle?
i don’t understand how you got over me so quickly… you’re in another relationship now. she better than me? more beautiful than me? maybe she’s better in bed. and NO, i don’t ever want to know if that is the case. why do you choose her over me? part of me wants to say something like, i can be such a better girlfriend. i can care for you and please you better than she can. that sounds so damn pathetic.
why do the people in my life CONSTANTLY choose someone else over me? tonight as i showered i thought of one of my acquantances who recently got married. she’s my age. i was rinsing shampoo out of my hair thinking, i don’t ever want to be married. how will i know if my husband really means what he says? if he truly loves me and is forever going to be faithful only to me? why risk living the rest of my life with someone who isn’t crazy in love with me?
hell even if you read this and decide you made a huge mistake no guarantees i want to be with you right now. i am still trying to be single… still trying to learn and to grow and i just don’t know what to do.
but i miss you. i had to get a new stuffed animal to sleep with every night, because fulton kept getting cried all over and squeezed to death. i don’t want to ruin him, nor make him into some sort of crutch.
i don’t know what to do. i am so lonely. why did you just get sick of me? would things have been different had i not had so many problems? LOL. stupid question.
sometimes i just want to not live anymore. life is so good sometimes, but it is so very painful others.
j.
to the one who left me when i needed him most:
when i saw you a few months ago on a thursday evening i didn’t understand why now you wanted to talk after you had ignored me for so long. you told me you have forgiven me for everything but um… when did i ever apologize to you? the things i did in the fall were morally wrong, they damaged me in a way that will never be fully repaired, but they were my own personal choices and as such are between me and God. i didn’t feel i owed you any apology.
in hindsight it was good of you to contact me because i was able to have closure on the whole “where the heck are you” issue. and honestly, i am truly sorry for a few of those aforementioned choices, because i know they hurt you very badly. i want you to know i’ve forgiven you too.
to the one who used and abused me for a whole year:
f you. i never want to see or hear from you again, and i regret knowing and trusting you.
to the two who were my closest friends:
wow, what happened? i allowed you in to my life, shared confidential information, trusted you, relied on you on difficult nights, let you know me in a very personal way. i let you see the real me, even though a few parts were disfigured and nearly destroyed. i know you cared about me, your words and actions, even your facial expressions, conveyed that very well. yet now, when so much good and bad has happened in my life since we parted, you don’t have the courtesy to answer even a facebook message?? come on, i told you i went two whole months (and now three) without hurting myself and not so much as a comment??
since you both seem to have rid your lives of my [apparently bothersome] character, i want you to know i am getting through life just fine without you. maybe that is what you really wanted–you wouldn’t be the first or only ones to feel that way.
and last but perhaps most importantly,
to the one who left neither mark, nor stain, but scar:
how could you do such a thing to me?
you told me you cared about me, that i was different from other girls, and that you wanted to get to know me better; well i didn’t know you meant knowing me like that. you cornered me like some sort of small animal and forcefully took everything you wanted.
you took the words and small trust i had in you to exploit the weaknesses you saw.
you have made it so hard for me to trust anyone.
you have exposed a flawed part of my character i had thought was gone.
you have created a fear of another race.
your selfishness has destroyed a very deep and special part of me.
i don’t even know how to express how badly i have been hurt. i hate using the phrase “i wish i never knew you,” but honestly, i would be so much better off if that was the case.
sincerely,
me
dear sean,
i tried to call you today on your birthday, but the numbers i have are no longer able to reach you. i miss you. i often think of you and wonder how your life is; i’ve written numerous letters but thrown them all away. i wish so much that i could see you again, even if only for a little while, to catch up. to tell you that i still really, really care about you, and that i am here if you ever need a friend. just lovestruck musings? no, if you could see me you would know that is not the case. you would know how much i have been through, and how much i have grown and changed in the years since you were mine. maybe i am a completely different person than the jen you once knew.
i sometimes remember the days and evenings we spent together… do you? i wonder if you ever think of me, or if i have simply faded into the past and am no more than a memory. it is interesting how time passes, how people are shattered and restored, the way in which the world lives its life.
i don’t suppose there is much of a chance you will read this short letter i have written. think of it as a message in a bottle, or a note on the string of a balloon. it’s what is in my heart, offered in the hope that wherever you are, you’ll know i am thinking of you and wishing you love, happiness and a happy birthday.
your friend,
jennifer
